Nothing is forever

Hah, everything she does is annoying me, okay. I really couldn’t give a fuck when she was talking to me last night.

Idk. How do I treat her? I feel myself pushing away already hah. The talk was supposedly to solve the problem and it was considered sort of “solved” just because we talked things out hah. Um so. I really don’t know.

I can’t treat her as well as before, that I know for sure. Or it will be 100% fake. But I don’t want another talk.

I don’t know what’s holding me back though haha, that’s the funny part haha. I don’t know what’s the reason I’m still treating her this way.

Other people may say I’m being mean, and what not because she’s my mom and stuff, but can’t people see, that it’s not really my fault in this problem? Do you know. That it was because of HER unreasonable character and her non-stop judging and assuming the worst without knowing the story, that caused me to show her what she calls “attitude” which is not okay.

I really don’t know help.

“Can’t you see it’s pointless just to argue.
I’m screaming, but I can’t break through to you.
If you’d only shut your mouth and listen.
You’d see what you’ve been missing out on for so long.
Before you change your mind don’t you wanna try.
To see all this through someone else’s eyes?

Oh, you’ve never been so wrong.
The struggles only just begun.
It’s all or nothing.
Don’t spread yourself so thin.
You’ll never see me giving in.
It’s all of nothing.

In the moment we are living.
Please don’t waste the chance we’re given this time.
It could be gone in just a minute.
So find your place within it.
Slow down, we have common ground.
Before you change your mind don’t you wanna try.
To see all this through someone else’s eyes?

Oh, you’ve never been so wrong.
The struggles only just begun.
It’s all or nothing.
Don’t spread yourself so thin.
You’ll never see me giving in.
It’s all of nothing.

I’ve seen it all before.
Saw you walking out the door.
Just turn around cause nothings over.
Just let your guard fall down.
Keep your head below the clouds.
Here’s your wake up call, some needed closer.

It’s pointless just to argue.
I’m screaming, but I can’t break through to you.

Oh, you’ve never been so wrong.
The struggles only just begun.
It’s all or nothing.
Don’t spread yourself so thin.
You’ll never see me giving in.
It’s all of nothing.
All or nothing.”

I dedicate this song to you. For that day. Point to note, on talking terms doesn’t mean we can be like before. It all changed. I really don’t know how to treat you anymore, a small part of me wants to go back to the way we are but every single part of me knows we can’t. Idk why either. But it’s just this gap that had developed over the years, and that last one just made it a huge one. You trying to act motherly, isn’t really working. Maybe it’s the gap we already have there.

I know you promised you would change, and I really want to trust that you will still stick to that. But idk. It just seems like anything will cause you to do the same thing again. Maybe it’s just me being paranoid or sensitive? But I think I have a fairly good reason to be. Knowing you, it’s almost as hard as getting everyone to like Justin Bieber, to get you to admit that you were wrong. And so I have been told, that you may have trust issues.. But being afraid that Dad will walk out on you, which doesn’t even seem like the case - not in a million years, not ever. That doesn’t mean that you can walk out on us.

“Don’t ask me for anything, okay?” Yeah okay. That’s why I got a job, remember? Then I won’t have to ask you for money, or anything okay? As if I ask you for money nowadays anyway

I’m doing this for dad. Not you. I really don’t know what to say to you anymore. It may seem fake at times but at least I’m talking to you. This is for dad. Because I know he’s got it worse

I feel 100x worse and angrier than yesterday I swear. Don’t ask me to change my attitude when you don’t even intend to change yours.

Can you fucking please look at yourself first. You know what is wrong, but you don’t try to change. What makes you even fucking think I will change? I’m acting this way because of this. Not anything else

I really really. Fuck man. What I seriously cannot comprehend is your one track way of thinking. It’s because YOU accused me of something that isn’t true. I defended myself. It’s NOT attitude. It’s called protecting myself, it’s human fucking nature. Don’t you dare tell me, that you haven’t defended yourself before. Because you were the fucking one who taught me to stand up for myself. You hypocrite.

What she is giving is attitude. I’m merely just standing up for myself. She’s being unreasonable, I’m acting out of human nature. TELL THE DIFFERENCE.

You went to the extent of wanting to walk out of the house? Did you see me trying to stop you? I wanted you to stay as much as I wanted you to leave, okay. On what basis can you say that everyone is against you.

I’m afraid of what it may turn out to be. There’s a high chance of it being nothing but there’s still a chance of it being something.

But if it really something, I’d prefer not letting anyone know about it, because I don’t want anyone to treat me any different